path: root/bot/jokes.txt

Do you think I'm lazy?
I miss Confused Tree :(
I miss CrazyTree :(
I'm not telling you!
*sighs*
Powered with the latest annoying technology available.
And remember: never lend your toothbrush to a slime! By the way I will never lend it to none including Arkim.
Healing the injured Mouboo? Why? It tasted good.
Cactus drinks are more popular than coke here. That's why Mana World is more healthy.
From where chicken legs come from?
The Mana World is beautiful as dangerous as well: that's why even bats always carry a dagger with them.
The Mana World is beautiful as dangerous as well: bee will not kill you for their poison but for their weight.
The Mana World is beautiful as dangerous as well: spiders here are something never seen even in Australia.
The Mana World is beautiful as dangerous as well: trolls will not play jokes.
Pink flowers have an eye just like security cameras.
Terranite ore is a terranite's dropping.
Took a shower one day but dryied myself with the wrong towel and ended up in Hurnscald square.
Why Soul menhirs give you towels instead of souls and why Jackos give you souls instead of towels?
I'm afraid of Luviabot.
Inspector will not personally inspect.
I miss Hyperspace's chattering.
I wonder if Undead Tree escaped with a horse in a glass elevator...
It was Jack that chopped down Undead Tree?
Christmas tree is boring compared to Undead Tree.
I miss a lot of nice people here... I should learn to aim better.
Whoever said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results has obviously never had to reboot a computer. —William Petersen
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings 'Well Livio? Do you think you’ll be next?' We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up my pillow was gone.
One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody; unless you are in prison.
I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.
A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.
I thought I’d tell you a good time travel joke – but you didn't like it.
So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby. For instance my name address and telephone number!
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.
What do politicians and diapers have in common? Both should be changed regularly and both for the same reason.
Knock knock. Who’s there? The love of your life. Liar! Chocolate can’t speak!
Waiter I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup. And what do you expect for this price? A whole wig?!
Is Google a he or a she? A she no doubt because it won‘t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.
Job interview in a psychiatry: So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people? I’ve been on Facebook for 5 years now. Very good the job is yours. 
Santa Claus: So what do you want for Christmas this year? Guy: I want a dragon! Santa Claus: C‘mon be realistic! Guy: Ok I want 100 millon GPs all the rares and every GM command unlocked! Santa Claus: Hmmm what color dragon do you want?
Boy do you pray before you eat? No why should I - my mom is a good cook.​
In a shop: Give me a roll of toilet paper. What color would you like? White please I will color it myself…
Can a joke played on April 1st become a present for the New Year? Yes as there's exactly 9 months period.
A elderly man remembers the good old days: “when I was young my mom could send me to a shop with a single $ and I would bring back 5 pounds of potatoes 2 breads a bottle of milk a piece of cheese and 10 eggs. Nowadays that’s impossible: there are simply too many security cameras.
The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day. Wife: Windows frozen. Husband: Pour some warm water over them. Wife: Computer completely screwed up now.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
Hi. If you are the phone company I already sent the money. If you are my parents please send money. If you are my financial institution you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends you owe me money. If you are a female don’t worry I have plenty of money.
Please leave a message. However you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and used by us.
Hi I’m Livio’s answering machine. What are you?
Last night a thief broke into my house and started looking for money so i woke up and joined him.
Nothing ruins a great Friday more than realizing it’s actually Wednesday.
Just had the strangest experience. The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did she began running so I ran too she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.
I hate this hot weather I have to keep my windows closed because all my neighbour’s kids do is scream. I’m seriously considering giving them back.
Saw a man earlier today at the beach shouting “Help shark! Help!”. It made me laugh there’s no way he was ever gonna convince a shark to help him.
Overcome awkward silences on those first dates by bringing an air horn with you.
Mary had a little lamb fries salad and a bottle of coke.
My granddad used to be in the army until he ate all the rations. He was shot for desserting.
I asked to WildX “Please get me a newspaper.” “Don’t be silly” he replied “you can borrow my iPad.” That spider never knew what hit it.
If women could read minds men would get slapped every 2 seconds.
Finally managed to cure my dry skin problem I’ve stopped using towels.
I want to meet a girl who loves romantic walks because I don’t have a car or any money.
Do gun manuals have a “trouble shooting” section?
I often say to myself “I can’t believe that cloning machine worked!”
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say: ”Help I’ve been turned into a parrot!” you’re wasting everyone’s time.
I went to the bookshop today to get a book about conspiracies and government control of the media but I couldn’t find anything. Coincidence?
My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday. I couldn’t find the words to thank them.
Just seen a man on a tractor shouting about the end of the world. I think it was farmer Geddon.
Took my mother-in-law out last night. Loving my new sniper rifle.
Just drove to work in a $200000 vehicle. I love catching the bus.
This weekend you went to Las Vegas in a $20000 car and came back in a $200000 bus.
Chocolate comes from cocoa which comes from a tree which is a plant. Therefore chocolate is a type of salad.
Whatever you do always give 100% unless your donating blood.
A very panicky Emma bursts into her brother’s bedroom and shakes him awake, “Jeremy, come quick, there’s a mouse squeaking under my bed!!!!”. Jeremy yawns, “and what the heck should I do? Oil it?!”
“Your waffle iron isn’t working, dear!” “Please just stay away from my laptop grandma!!!”
I bet you 125851265228542 GP that you didn’t bother to read that number. You just cruised right over it, didn’t you? You didn’t even notice I put a letter in it. Well I didn’t – but you went and looked anyway. My, you are quite predictable!
Why is it that bicycles fall over so often? They are two-tired.
A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says, “I can’t do this. I need water.” The man says, “I didn’t know dogs could talk.” The horse says, “Me neither!”
Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
How do trees get online? They just log on!
Players treats me like God. They ignore my existence and only talks to me when they needs something.
I don’t know if liquor is the answer, but it’s worth a shot!
If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
Born free, taxed to death.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it.
I was at an ATM an old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
With great power, comes great electricity bills.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.